Editor's Note : This was first posted by Sushi Targett on her blog on the occasion of World Mental Health Day. I asked her if I could publish it on the Times of Amma, as well as I had never heard anyone speak or write about it. I hope that by sharing this important post here, I will be able to amplify her message through the Times of Amma community.
Today on World Mental Health day whilst all mothers talk about post natal depression let me introduce to you something new, something not spoken about at all and something that is so uncommon that speaking about it brings the fear of looking absolutely ridiculous and therefore be shamed for it.
Let me introduce to you what I call, 'post adoption depression'. Post Adoption Depression, in my experience is a sort of space you reach after adopting a child where you feel very unattached, angry, sad or sometimes absolutely numb. You may feel anxiety, insecurity and loss of pride ultimately leading to depression.
Becoming a parent is bloody hard and adopting a child that you didn't even grow in your own womb is much harder. It is especially hard when those kids were strongly bonded and close to their biological mother. Oh and when you are the girlfriend of their dad, who is dealing with a lot of emotions himself after a broken marriage is just the cherry on top.
Whilst, I drank my sorrows in to a bottle of rum, I tortured myself by secretly reading all of my husband's personal diaries, I even tried to cut myself....and guess what? No one, not even my loving husband knew about any of that. Everybody including my in laws would call and check in on my husband and their grandchildren. Nobody ever asked how was I holding up?
They all labeled me , 'brave', 'god sent' 'angel', thereby closing all doors to communication and it took away my freedom to speak up and ask for help.
Today I speak about it because like me there must be a lot of step mothers or adoptive parents who may struggle but wouldn't know what it is ...they may think something is wrong with them.... I don't know if like PND there is a chemical reaction in our body, if hormones act out. There is not much information out there about this, but all I know is, it is possible and everybody who knows a new parent biological or not, must check on them and offer support just like you would to a new biological parent.
I never suffered post natal depression but post-adoption depression was a killer. It took me 8 years to feel like myself, it took me 8 years to speak up and to tell my husband how I felt. I feel content and within my own body all over again. For my husband, knowing and realising that I went through all of that has changed his perspective and his support towards my mental health has helped me so much that I can now own parenthood with pride. I don't even feel the anger I felt for all around me for not noticing me. I don't feel ashamed about speaking up and I urge for you to speak about your struggles too. Sometimes, people need to be told explicitly that you need support.
Thank you for sharing your story, Sushi. It is bound to help other parents on similar journeys.
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