Mom Speak : Vani on Life After Her Angel Baby
So I have been wanting to write about my Pregnancy story for a while now. But I just didn't have the courage or time. This draft has been lying with me incomplete for over 2 years. Today is the day I thought. Anyway here goes...
4 years back around the month of March.. a little bean was conceived... First child for us, first grandchild for both our families.. everyone was elated.... wishes poured in... blessings were sent.... temples were visited and advices were given in abundance. The little bean was to survive in me and the big bad world for no longer than those 4 -5 weeks... which is my best guess. At week 6 she was nowhere to be seen... it broke us.. shattered me.. only wanting it more... We didn't know the reason why, whether it was something I did or whether it was completely natural (which is what I've been told a million times after.)
Many things happened in the coming 2 years.. we moved cities.. left part of our lives back in Mumbai.. built a new world in Gurgaon... were lucky to find old friends who became our extended family and support in this concrete jungle..
While time to time we would worry and think about our angel baby and how there was no sign of it.. we did research.. visited doctors.. spent a lot of money and blood (literally) in inane amount of tests and treatments.. monthly visit to our OB/GYN.. rituals of ultrasounds had become as much a part of our lives and had taken over the lazy weekends and mad parties with friends... while the hospital visits had driven me up the wall. I was going for a follicular study every month. Which is literally an ultrasound 4 days of every month to monitor the follicles and eggs in my ovaries so we could Nail it (literally) when the conditions were ripe. This went on for about 6 months. I was sick of the ultrasound machine, the gel, the ceiling that I would stare at blankly the hospital smell. everything!!! We even considered IVF at one point. But as you can already imagine this wasn't going anywhere. And there was actually NOTHING wrong with my body. but it was just not meant to be I guess.
C (my husband) was keeping calm as he usually is and was a strong backbone throughout.. My families were true gems.. didn't put any pressure on us.. were only concerned about our health..
I decided to take a break. I had had enough of going through tests and treatments and not finding anything wrong with either of us.. everyone would just say... keep calm.. give it time.. don't stress... Easier said than done I would think. So on March 2014 (exactly after 2 years the last time I conceived) I stopped all my medication and hormonal support. I told my Doc I wont be visiting her for a month and that I needed a break. She was more than supportive. And life went on as usual. It was Saturday and I had invited a few friends over for dinner. All preps were done, C was out for some work and I was home alone. Guests would arrive any minute. So I went to the bathroom to get ready. I realized my period was delayed by a few days. The pregnancy test kit was right in front of me in my drawer. "No Vani you have done this a million times and it only leaves you disappointed. Don't even think about it." I told myself. But Hope got the better of me. So what if its negative for the 100th time, I'm used to it. At least I'll know and I wont think about it anymore. Then I did it. Braced myself. Are those two pink lines? Am I hallucinating? But I didn't even take my medication this month. this cant be happening. Let me do it again. Did another one. Again the two pink lines gleamed. I literally froze. My hands and legs were shaking from excitement, nervousness, fear and wtf! Theres no one here!
I called up C the next second and told him that I just did the test and he could guess from my voice. This time I was not crying from disappointment. This time I was crying with pure joy. Told him to get his ass back home immediately. Next I called up my best friend P who literally was jumping on the other side of the phone, drove at breakneck speed and arrived even before C did. She immediately rushed to my bathroom to first confirm the tests as any best friend would who thought I probably hallucinating. Deep in my heart even I wanted someone else to confirm this for me as I wasn't sure about anything anymore. She beamed with joy and we literally hugged like never before..
The rest of the evening went on with me behaving completely calm and composed and no one could guess the emotional roller coaster going on inside of me. They were only a bit amused that I wasn't having my usual wine. The looks C and I were exchanging because we still couldn't believe it.
What 2 years of tests, injections and pills couldn't do... it happened only when I decided to give my body a break and my brain some peace..
Only if I hadn't abused my body mentally and physically and kept calm he would have been in our lives sooner. Hope my story can bring some respite or relief to some woman somewhere reading this and going through the same.. I would like you to remember that:
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE
ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD
Our bodies are amazing, we heal fast and are blessed with the miraculous ability to create and bring humans into this world.
Today, I have a healthy 2 year old chatterbox of a son... and even if I try really hard I just cannot remember how I truly felt in all those trying times and the 2 years we spent in despair and frustration. I guess everyone was right after all .. " Keep Calm and Give it time".
This was first published titled 'Project Pregnancy: My Story' on Vani's blog here. Thank you Vani for sharing your story with us. We are sure you have brightened the day of many a mom with your honesty. We wish Vani and her little chatterbox a lifetime more of love and adventure. For more from inspiring mothers like Vani, follow the Times of Amma on Facebook and Instagram.